We lose another

Sorry to keep everyone waiting but this is so hard for me to write. Everyone reading know what happened to us back in April when our Dossier was rejected by the head of the MOE in Kazakhstan. Well here's what has happened since then.
On the following Wendsday we met with a caseworker for the PA. State Adoption Swan program and although this program is great for the children Sandy and I knew it wasn't for us. We really didn't expect an infant but I really want a child that's small enough to believe in Santa and that still has that Christmas magic. We left with a large pile of paperwork that we had aready gone thru once before. Here 2 years after we started we were right back to were we started only now our money, time and hope were all but gone. On thursday May 1st we felt defeated, we didn't feel like we could go through this process all over again we were ready to give up.
Then everything changed, Sandy was in Bed I was dozing off in front of the TV when the phone rang at 9:33 PM I missed the call but it was our friend Joyce (she is a reference on our homestudy). She left a message for Sandy to call her back it was really important and wanted Sandy to call at 11:30PM when she got home from work.
I woke Sandy a little after 11 and must have repeated myself 5 times that she had to call Joyce, little did I know that when I went to bed just how BIG this Call was.

Joyce's daughter has a friend that is pregnant and she is looking for a family to Adopt her child. Sandy and Joyce talked until almost 2 in the morning, Joyce wasn't sure if should have called us now or wait but we told her to give her our phone number and well see how things go. Friday May 2nd I had just arrived home from work and Sandy and I were talking about Joyce's call when the phone rang it was the Mother of our future Son or Daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We talked and talked and talked we talked about all our hopes and fears and dreams and how much this means to her that her child will be in a good home that the child will be with someone who really REALLY WANT TO BE PARENTS.
We met on that Sunday Myself, Sandy and the Mother and Father of the child all finally met. We were all VERY nervous, how often do you meet the parents of a child that will become your Son or Daughter and how often do you get to meet the couple you'll be giving your child to. We talked for about two hours and She gave us the Sonogram pictures!! (I have them sitting here in front of me, all I can do know is sit here and wonder ) At the time all my dreams were coming true, I would get to go to her appointments , be there for Sonograms and do all of the things I thought I would NEVER get to do. And the due date was December 17th RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS All this time I kept telling people all I want is a little Christmas magic and here it is!!
Sandy and I met with a lawyer to get things moving, we updated our FBI and Child Abuse clearances, had our medicals updated and new fingerprints done. Things were going great, Sandy and I weren't sure if we should make the big announcement or just walk in Christmas morning and stun everyone. My family reunion Aug 9th was going to be the day we would tell everyone.
Things were going great until late June, we found out the Birth Mother had Placenta previa a complication of pregnancy in which the placenta grows in the lowest part of the womb (uterus) and covers all or part of the cervix.

The placenta is the organ that nourishes the developing fetus.

During pregnancy, your placenta repositions itself as your uterus stretches and grows. In early pregnancy, a low-lying placenta is very common. But as your pregnancy progresses, the enlarging uterus should "pull" the placenta toward the top of your uterus. By your third trimester, the placenta should be near the top of your uterus, leaving the opening of the cervix clear for the delivery.

Sometimes, though, the placenta remains in the lower portion of the uterus, partly or completely covering this opening. There are three types of placenta previa:

* Marginal: The placenta is located near the edge of the cervix but does not block it.
* Partial: The placenta covers part of the cervical opening.
* Complete: The placenta completely covers the cervical opening.

Placenta previa occurs in 1 out of 200 pregnancies.

She was to be on complete bed rest until the baby was born. When July came our phone calls weren't being returned, we couldn't understand she always called us RIGHT BACK what was going on?
We later found out her father had to take her to see a specialist in Pittsburgh, and just a few weeks ago we found out she lost the baby.
Our hearts go out to her we know how bad she wanted to make our Dreams come true.

So now here we are, we've now lost TWO Children within 4 months. I really don't know where we go from here. The SWAN program is really our only option, we've spent so much on paperwork Domestic is pretty much out of the question and international is no longer an option.
It hurts so bad right now to do so so much, so much time and money so many hopes and dreams and to be no closer now than we were 15 years ago. Not 1 day goes by that I don't think about what could be. At my reunion my cousin asked where our child was? I have people at work who ask when we'll be going to Kazakhstan. This should be a happy time, the time we would be introducing our child to everyone and sharing our Adoption story. Now I can only wonder why not us, and will I ever become a father? My wish for my 39th birthday was to become a father before my 40th. Now on my 40th my wish is to one day be a father.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
Mother Teresa

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
Dale Carnegie